Sarcastic, but oh so horribly true
Screw the handicapped parking. The handicapped want to screw something else. Penis empowerment for the retarded!
No longer will the dumb and the dimwitted need to rely on coy lines like, “My penis is bigger than my I.Q.” or, “There’s a poopie in my pants and you’re invited!” Now they have a right to sex! Taxpayers rejoice, I am the MoonStar!
But who will provide these benefits, or “do the deed” as it were? Well prostitutes of course! In fact why don’t we send them to Germany, where the women can’t barter for their own price, but are required to be paid flat hourly wages for their services. Because you see insisting that people shouldn’t have a right to sex unless it’s consensual is cruel to the handicapped, so we need prostitution. But also, allowing women to decide for themselves with whom and for what they’ll have sex might actually empower them, and we can’t have that.
Thankfully the very special people of Europe have solved both of these problems and have allowed us to redistribute sex based on need, and all it took was the government realizing that women are nothing more than vaginas that occasionally complain. So thank you European Socialism! It’s good to know that if I ever become as mentally retarded as your politicians then I can move to the UK and get the tax payers to hire a very attentive nurse. Now that’s what I call full (special friend’s with) benefits.
Regarding the recent shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, one cannot help but note a particular pattern in the reporting:
It is all about politics. Now was this person who shot 12 people (killing six including a 9 year old girl) motivated by political ideology? Well nobody knows, he hasn’t said anything to police about why he did what he did, but it does make it such a more exciting story if we connect it with politics doesn’t it?
Regardless of whether we find out at some point what his views are, I think this is a great demonstration of the importance of speculation and narrative in news media. The evidence is inconsequential compared to the narrative. The facts occupy 10-20% of the time and the rest is left to ‘experts’ discussing their implications.
To be completely honest the blog-o-sphere (or whatever buzz term we’re using to describe it now) isn’t that much better. It mostly mirrors the views presented by media outlets (unsurprisingly) and offers up the kind of loose correlation-based evidence, which people would expect from conspiracy theories, regarding the reasons behind this shooting.
I actually bothered to to listen to Rush Limbaugh to find out what his reaction would be. At first it seemed he was giving a level headed response as to why it’s unfair to attribute political motivations to this attack without evidence and to use it as an association attack against the Tea Party. Of course he then went into his own, “The Left are the REAL source of political hate!” rant. This equal (and equally stupid) response is being championed by the right. I mean they play the victim when the left isn’t wrongly attacking them, so I guess it’s to be expected that they’d go the extra credibility-destroying mile when their victimization might actually be legitimate. You can find their “counter argument” here:
Increasingly I am convinced that following the news is not only unnecessary, but actually detrimental in that it distorts people’s views of reality much more than informs them. If you really want to see what motivated this killer, then I suggest checking out his YouTube account, but all it says to me is, “I’m crazy.”
Sarcastic (in fact it’s down right “dark humor”) but based on reality:
Usually great works of art and literature are meant to be read in the context of their setting. But thanks to the American public education system, children no longer understand historical context, so it falls to modern day fence painters to ‘whitewash’ history, to the benefit of us all. Auburn University Prof. Alan Gribben is one of those heroes, and he has called for the classic Mark Twain novel The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn to be updated and modernized. Why?
“After a number of talks, I was sought out by local teachers, and to a person they said we would love to teach this novel, and Huckleberry Finn, but we feel we can’t do it anymore. In the new classroom, it’s really not acceptable.”
Well apparently the book just has too many ‘nigger(s)’ in it. In fact there are over 219 of them, and local teachers and the general public just do not want them there. Prof. Alan Gribben also has issues with the ‘Injun(s)’ and ‘half-breed(s)’.
John Foley (a Portland high school teacher) explains further, “It’s just my experience teaching, especially ‘Huck Finn.’ Every year, it seems to be a tougher sell to the kids. I have a lot of passion for ‘Huck Finn,’ and my enthusiasm usually carries the book. But I have kids come up to me, very smart kids, who say, ‘Mr. Foley, I hate this book.'”
Foley also goes on to complain about To Kill a Mockingbird and the black character Tom Robinson, “but again, he’s uneducated, inarticulate.” Thankfully the new edition will fix this problem (In Huck Finn at least) by changing every ‘nigger’ into a ‘slave.’
We are all so fucked.
Though I’m probably going to vote third party again in 2012 (I have for a few elections now), it is possible that the Republicans could put up somebody who might change my mind. However that person will most definitely NOT be Newt Gingrich.
Fellow Democrats and liberals. We have a problem. You may recall the outcry at town hall meetings regarding our health care bill. This most recent vote may also be disturbing to you. The Tea Party is still strong and Obama’s approval ratings are hitting rock bottom. The question we need to figure out the answer to is clear: How do we educate the ignorant masses?
Clearly they want to support our policies. I mean we are giving people free health care. It’s free. What’s not to love? Clearly the American people like our policies, they’re just being side-lined by distraction tactics, and we need to get them back on message.
Now I know some people aren’t happy about the wars, but really that’s Bush’s fault. I also know some people are unhappy about the economy and the bailouts (also Bush’s fault), but we are saving America. Never forget that! When we gave hundreds of billions to banking institutions that had fucked over the American economy, we did it for the little people. How is that hard to understand?
When we bailed out GM with more taxpayer money, we did it to save the American auto industry. Now sure China has taken advantage of our bailout to gain access to American technology, but that’s just.. ummm… improving our foreign trade relations.
So remember fellow Democrats. We’re not doing anything wrong. We’re just losing the media war, and we need to get those ignorant whining troublemakers (voters) back on message.
Hillary Clinton cares about gays. She really does, see:
That’s such an honest, unscripted and heartfelt video. The warmth radiating from this woman is just astounding. Unlike assholes like this douche bag:
His BS is obviously rehearsed and did he just use the word bitch? Clearly not a real hero and savior like Hillary. Thankfully we have a Democrat in the White House now, and he’s doing everything he can for the gay community.