Woman Claims She Only Said ‘No’ Sarcastically
Sarcastic, I’m still working on the serious stuff, but this was a nice diversion that I just had to do while it was still fresh in my head.
It’s a sad day for rape fetish enthusiasts like resident Sarah Barker of Winterville, South Carolina, as police have arrested her would-be lover / rapist Don Samson. Barker says the whole thing is just a huge misunderstanding.
“I’d been trying to get [Samson] to rape me for weeks. I can’t tell you the number of times I sun bathed in the nude with a clear view from his apartment windows. Then that stupid Neighborhood Watch had to go and call the cops and ruin everything.”
Neighborhood Watch member Janet Friar has publicly dismissed Barker’s story as inaccurate, saying that she only called the police facetiously.
“I didn’t think the cops would actually come. I mean I’ve called them like four times about muggings and robberies in progress. It usually takes them about an hour to respond. I thought there was no way they’d get there on time, so I just called them as sort of a joke. Besides if she didn’t want anyone to come then why’d she scream so loudly?”
When asked to respond to Mrs. Friar’s query, Barker became visibly annoyed.
“Doesn’t anyone understand sarcasm these days? I was yelling ‘No! No! Dear God, somebody help me!’ sarcastically. Didn’t the changing tone of my voice give it away? [Friar] is just a nosy busy-body who’s trying to use [the Neighborhood Watch] to push her out-dated ‘anti-rape’ sexual mores on people.”
But perhaps the most insightful revelation on the incident comes from Samson himself, who had this to say:
“Look I know that [Barker] gets off on rape, so I was just pretending to rape her as a sort of ‘got-ya’ kind of thing. I was totally raping her ironically. At the end I was gonna be all like, ‘Ha, I know you wanted me to do this, so it’s not really rape!’ and completely punk her. Then I was going to ironically wrap her body up in a few plastic garbage bags and sarcastically dump her in the pond out by 5th Street. But it’s okay. The cops are being really decent to me.”